Guest-list decision for big wedding miffs aunt

Was it rude not to let her unmarried daughters to each bring a guest? A guest list is up to the hosts, and complaining was ungracious, writes Carolyn Hax.

DEAR CAROLYN: My nephew’s wedding is fast approaching. We received invitations, but each of my four adult daughters, ranging from 21 to 30, was invited with no guests. They are not married. When they questioned their cousin, he replied that he and his fiancée HAD to invite 250 guests and have to cut somewhere, so unless you are engaged you cannot bring a guest.

Am I wrong for thinking family should be allowed a guest at a reception this big?— Neglected

DEAR NEGLECTED: You want tacky? How about going back to your host after receiving four invitations and asking why you weren’t issued eight. How about gazing upon a guest list of 250 and believing it’s your place to suggest that it should be 260 or 300 because you’re you and you believe in “and guest.”

Managing a guest list does indeed involve judgment calls, and it’s not any individual guest’s judgment that sets the bar for invitations made thoughtfully. .

You have been invited to celebrate the joyous life event of people you love, people likely under pressure to please a lot of different constituencies. Wouldn’t it be loving, joyous and celebratory just to embrace the invitation as kindly intended, and show up without further complaint?

DEAR CAROLYN: My daughter and her husband have three families to see, her parents being divorced and remarried. I understand how stressful and demanding holidays are for her.

My problem is that it is always me and her stepdad at the “bottom of the barrel.” Her other two families have more members, making it fun to get together. It is just me and my husband, less festive. I get it.

But at the same time, we are left alone at holidays. I have expressed this to my daughter in years past but she just gets upset and I feel like I’ve dumped a guilt trip on her.

— L.DEAR L.: I’m sorry. This is common and hard. But if you can’t beat ’em, blow everything up.

That is, assuming you’ve completely ruled out joining these bigger gatherings (via your daughter). All you need to get started is a group decision to make it work. If your ex-husband for whatever reason stands in the way of your gathering with your daughter’s side of the family, then maybe you can create a niche with your son-in-law’s crew. Certainly you and your daughter don’t lack for incentive to try something new.

When that’s impossible or unpalatable, take your idea of how a holiday is supposed to look, and obliterate it. Tell yourself firmly and finally that what you envision — sharing with your daughter and her brood — isn’t going to happen.

Then look at that fresh blank page and see … what? Is it interesting travel, even a day trip? A hike to a gorgeous view? Community service? Or can you see just treating yourselves — be it to a performance, since not all venues go dark on holidays, or a spa or a high-end restaurant meal or a streaming binge of a show or movies you love.

If you can’t see holidays as an appointment to feel good, please note that now they’re essentially an appointment to feel bad — and that nearly every element of this but your daughter’s circumstances is within your power to change.